Today is a historic day for the Disney empire. After months of brutal negotiations, executives from the company said they’re happy to announce that they’ve finally gained control of the rights to your childhood.

“It’s been a long time coming,” said Disney CEO Bob Iger. “With our recent acquisition of Marvel, ESPN, and Lucasfilm, we owned a good chunk already; but it’s nice to officially own your existence ages 2 through 17.”

This morning Disney officials arrived at your parents home to remove a box of action figures and comics you drew when you were 11. They also gained access to your old email accounts ([email protected], [email protected]). Notably, they didn’t take the Harry Potter/Naruto fanfiction you wrote in 2008. When asked what they were planning to do with these new intellectual properties, Disney representatives said they couldn’t say exactly, but that they definitely have ‘big plans’ for you.
  
Getting to this agreement wasn’t an easy journey. Your parents had been locked in heated arbitration with Disney for almost a year over the creative future of their baby boy. They weren’t always excited about the way things were going either. In an interview last November they said they were fearful of “Disney style sequels and spin offs.”

“I mean no one wants to see Your Younger Sister: The Movie,” said your dad.

Their fears were apparently cleared up though, because today they posed for a photo op with Disney officials in front of the magic kingdom in Anaheim, CA; and your mom said, “I’m sure our little man is in good hands.”

Their minds may have been changed by the alleged 1.4 million dollars Disney payed to secure the rights, or perhaps it’s due to what your mom excitedly told reporters: “We get to take a discounted Disney cruise with the O’Neills next summer. We’re thinking the Bahamas. You know, Dale’s never been and he’s not getting any younger...”

So we’ll have to wait to see what Disney will do with you, but for now enjoy the limelight of being the newest jewel in the mouse king’s crown.