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The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes

September 26, 2009
By LucyM BRONZE, Kent, Ohio
More by this author
LucyM BRONZE, Kent, Ohio
2 articles 0 photos 2 comments

Favorite Quote:
90% of my happiness is coming from my pants. <br /> <br /> Alright, alright, sorry, inside joke. Okay how about: &quot;If you give a man a fire, he&#039;ll be warm for a day; if you set a man on fire, he&#039;ll be warm for the rest of his life.&quot; -Terry Pratchett.

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[BELLA and EDWARD are onstage. EDWARD is staring over his shoulder like a creeper at BELLA.]



BELLA: Are you a vampire?



EDWARD: No! Yes...



[BELLA whirls around to face EDWARD.]



BELLA: I love you.



EDWARD: I love you too.



[They kiss. JAMES enters and stands menacingly behind BELLA.]



BELLA: Help! I'm in danger!



[EDWARD punches JAMES. JAMES falls and is no longer onstage. The pair kiss again.]



EDWARD: I love you. I don't love you. I have to go now.



BELLA: Aww.



[EDWARD exits. JACOB enters.]



JACOB: I love you too.



BELLA: Yay!



[They embrace. EDWARD rushes back in.]



EDWARD: Hey, get away from my girl!



JACOB: Or what?



[Michael Jackson music plays, preferably 'Thriller.']



EDWARD and JACOB in UNISON: Dance off!



[They dance for a short time before BELLA interjects.]



BELLA: Stop it! Can't you see- my eggo is preggo!



EDWARD: Yay!

JACOB: (with intensity) I am in love your child! [awkward pause] Hey, isn't there something about the Volturi?



EDWARD: Yeah, but that was anti-climactic.



BELLA: Nothing happened. Edward! Please! Kill me so I can live forever!



EDWARD: (looks doubtful) Okay.



[EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.]





JACOB: I think she meant "bite me."



EDWARD: Oh.



[EDWARD bites BELLA.]



BELLA: (rising with arms outstretched) I'm aliiiiiive!



[RENESME, preschool aged, runs out from behind her.]



RENESME: I'm your daughter!



ALL: Yay!



[Cut to scene of the four skipping through a field with "Happy Together" by the Turtles playing. EDWARD, already shiny, takes his shirt off and blinds everyone with his whiteness. Music abruptly cuts off.]



EDWARD: Oops.



End credits.

The author's comments:
Don't flame, dudes. That's seriously lame. Feel free to film, just credit me in the credits and let me know if you're making a movie so I can check it out.
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JOIN THE DISCUSSION

This article has 1986 comments.

TheWriterGolfer BRONZE said...
on Oct. 23 2011 at 10:56 pm
TheWriterGolfer BRONZE, Arcadia, California
1 article 0 photos 5 comments

Favorite Quote:
Life is merely a shell. It&#039;s what you do with it that cracks it.

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Ha Ha, that was extremely funny. Nice job on blending romance with comedy.
Sydney.McLeod said...
on Oct. 23 2011 at 8:55 pm
Sydney.McLeod, Fayetteville, North Carolina
0 articles 0 photos 1 comment

Favorite Quote:
Life is a book, you start a new chapter everyday, so there\&#039;s no time for repeats.

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haha LOVE!!! You are really good at making fun of this!! haha LOVE
Gingersnap777 said...
on Oct. 21 2011 at 9:35 pm
Hil.ar.i.ous.  Seriously.  My sister and I burst out laughing simultaneously.  You have a gift for sarcasm.
crunchyginger18 GOLD said...
on Oct. 20 2011 at 12:56 pm
crunchyginger18 GOLD, Lawrence, Kansas
16 articles 5 photos 32 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;Life Imitates Art&quot; Lana Del Rey

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I love, love, LOVE this!!!!!!!!!!! I'm on team burn the whole series....
NiklausMikaelson1864 SILVER said...
on Oct. 19 2011 at 12:56 pm
NiklausMikaelson1864 SILVER, Southwest Harbor, Maine
5 articles 0 photos 46 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;Please note that I am saying this as I twirl my metaphorical mustache.&quot; ~Talon McCallister

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What is it called?
NiklausMikaelson1864 SILVER said...
on Oct. 19 2011 at 12:55 pm
NiklausMikaelson1864 SILVER, Southwest Harbor, Maine
5 articles 0 photos 46 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;Please note that I am saying this as I twirl my metaphorical mustache.&quot; ~Talon McCallister

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What do you mean, "What the...?" ? This is brilliant!! I am personally obsessed with this series and I laughed for an hour straight. How do you think this is weird?!
GreekHero said...
on Oct. 16 2011 at 8:11 pm
GreekHero, Chenango Forks, New York
0 articles 0 photos 3 comments
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HAHAHA! I LAUGHED MY GUTS OUT!
Afanen PLATINUM said...
on Oct. 15 2011 at 7:10 pm
Afanen PLATINUM, Santa Rosa, California
49 articles 0 photos 47 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;But you see, Meg, just because we don&#039;t understand doesn&#039;t mean that the explanation doesn&#039;t exist.&quot;<br /> <br /> <br /> - Madeleine L&#039;Engle, A Wrinkle in Time

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This is bloody hilarious. Brilliant!
stargazer816 said...
on Oct. 12 2011 at 4:07 pm
stargazer816, Bethesda, Maryland
0 articles 0 photos 1 comment
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that was AMAZING!!! it completely summarized the entire series. dying with laughter
NintaiKyouboku BRONZE said...
on Oct. 11 2011 at 10:03 pm
NintaiKyouboku BRONZE, Portland, Oregon
4 articles 0 photos 14 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;To win you&#039;ve got to enter first.&quot;

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Yes, if you read Stephanie Meyer's interview, she just sat down and wrote it one day, she didn't go through all the normal brainstorming and practicing most authors do. Also, this was really funny!
SomethingLikeFire BRONZE said...
on Oct. 11 2011 at 3:17 pm
SomethingLikeFire BRONZE, Mchenry, Illinois
1 article 1 photo 47 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;Pippin: What about elevenses? Luncheon? Afternoon tea? Dinner? Supper? He knows about them, doesn&#039;t he?&quot; - <br /> -- The Lord Of The Rings: The Fellowship Of The Ring

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I come back and reread this everyone in a while. makes me crack up every time!
vancheeseify said...
on Oct. 10 2011 at 2:35 pm

This was hilarious xD

If you really think about it though, any crazed teenager could've written Twilight. Basically, a girl falls in love with a sparkly vampire and they have a baby. Also there's some love conflict with a werewolf.

Thanks for summing up the entire series!

beccal SILVER said...
on Oct. 10 2011 at 10:53 am
beccal SILVER, Oshkosh, Wisconsin
5 articles 0 photos 1 comment
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I'm dying. omg. this just made my day.
hobo12321 PLATINUM said...
on Oct. 10 2011 at 8:46 am
hobo12321 PLATINUM, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
20 articles 11 photos 62 comments

Favorite Quote:
none, there&#039;s too many, although the one about the grapefruit is good. Any by Douglas Adams

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THIS IS HILARIOUS!!!! it reminds me of my friend who kept saying stuff like this

E: BElla, i love you!

B: Edward i love you too!

E: i have to leave you

B: NOOOOOO!!!!!

all of this in a high pitched voice

CreativeWriter86 PLATINUM said...
on Oct. 10 2011 at 7:10 am
CreativeWriter86 PLATINUM, None, Louisiana
31 articles 1 photo 6 comments

Favorite Quote:
One day I will be who I wanna be, no one will tell ME what to do, it will be MY life that I will live for myself.

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This was so funny. :)
AbbyE SILVER said...
on Oct. 9 2011 at 9:40 pm
AbbyE SILVER, Zachary, Louisiana
6 articles 0 photos 5 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;A good book isn&#039;t just words written expertly on a page, or words that stir up emotions in the reader. A good book comes not only from your imagination, but your soul.&quot; ~ Me &hearts;

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pahahahahah! This is perfect!
aliya BRONZE said...
on Oct. 9 2011 at 1:25 pm
aliya BRONZE, Navi Mumbai, Other
2 articles 0 photos 1 comment

Favorite Quote:
You were always second guessing the way we used to be; when it all comes down I hope you remember me. ~ Alex Gaskarth (who else)

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completely amazing. i was laughing my head off for minutes. :)
derickinc BRONZE said...
on Oct. 8 2011 at 8:26 pm
derickinc BRONZE, Rockford, Illinois
4 articles 0 photos 36 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;I hate all of you.&quot; - Squidward Tentacles

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I love this. And the fact that you got an Editors' Choice Award for this made me realize they have sense of humor.
Playsportmarine said...
on Oct. 7 2011 at 1:29 pm
What the....?
christian 123 said...
on Oct. 7 2011 at 10:18 am

it was really funny