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The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes

September 26, 2009
By LucyM BRONZE, Kent, Ohio
More by this author
LucyM BRONZE, Kent, Ohio
2 articles 0 photos 2 comments

Favorite Quote:
90% of my happiness is coming from my pants. <br /> <br /> Alright, alright, sorry, inside joke. Okay how about: &quot;If you give a man a fire, he&#039;ll be warm for a day; if you set a man on fire, he&#039;ll be warm for the rest of his life.&quot; -Terry Pratchett.

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[BELLA and EDWARD are onstage. EDWARD is staring over his shoulder like a creeper at BELLA.]



BELLA: Are you a vampire?



EDWARD: No! Yes...



[BELLA whirls around to face EDWARD.]



BELLA: I love you.



EDWARD: I love you too.



[They kiss. JAMES enters and stands menacingly behind BELLA.]



BELLA: Help! I'm in danger!



[EDWARD punches JAMES. JAMES falls and is no longer onstage. The pair kiss again.]



EDWARD: I love you. I don't love you. I have to go now.



BELLA: Aww.



[EDWARD exits. JACOB enters.]



JACOB: I love you too.



BELLA: Yay!



[They embrace. EDWARD rushes back in.]



EDWARD: Hey, get away from my girl!



JACOB: Or what?



[Michael Jackson music plays, preferably 'Thriller.']



EDWARD and JACOB in UNISON: Dance off!



[They dance for a short time before BELLA interjects.]



BELLA: Stop it! Can't you see- my eggo is preggo!



EDWARD: Yay!

JACOB: (with intensity) I am in love your child! [awkward pause] Hey, isn't there something about the Volturi?



EDWARD: Yeah, but that was anti-climactic.



BELLA: Nothing happened. Edward! Please! Kill me so I can live forever!



EDWARD: (looks doubtful) Okay.



[EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.]





JACOB: I think she meant "bite me."



EDWARD: Oh.



[EDWARD bites BELLA.]



BELLA: (rising with arms outstretched) I'm aliiiiiive!



[RENESME, preschool aged, runs out from behind her.]



RENESME: I'm your daughter!



ALL: Yay!



[Cut to scene of the four skipping through a field with "Happy Together" by the Turtles playing. EDWARD, already shiny, takes his shirt off and blinds everyone with his whiteness. Music abruptly cuts off.]



EDWARD: Oops.



End credits.

The author's comments:
Don't flame, dudes. That's seriously lame. Feel free to film, just credit me in the credits and let me know if you're making a movie so I can check it out.
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JOIN THE DISCUSSION

This article has 1986 comments.

AgnotTheOdd GOLD said...
on Jul. 20 2010 at 10:10 pm
AgnotTheOdd GOLD, Aptos, California
17 articles 0 photos 315 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;The reason for your unreasonable treatment of my reason so enfeebles my reason that I have reason to complain of your reason&quot; ~ Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra

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I have a couple friends who would kill me for chuckling at this.

 

I hate the feeling of solicitation, but check out some of my stuff

Hi-5_Girl BRONZE said...
on Jul. 20 2010 at 6:42 pm
Hi-5_Girl BRONZE, Moosic, Pennsylvania
4 articles 3 photos 18 comments
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I have but one thing to say. . . *hi-5*
BaileyBaby13 BRONZE said...
on Jul. 20 2010 at 4:18 pm
BaileyBaby13 BRONZE, Enumclaw, Washington
2 articles 4 photos 75 comments
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OH MY GOD I LOVE THIS! I'm a huge Twilight fan, I must confess. But of the books, not the movies. I could not stop laughing at this! It's hilarious! I totally want to re-enact, and I will give you complete credit if I do. GOOD JOB!,(:
Itami4Now SILVER said...
on Jul. 20 2010 at 3:33 pm
Itami4Now SILVER, St. Louis, Missouri
9 articles 0 photos 4 comments

Favorite Quote:
Tomorrow will always be better than today, even if in just the smallest way.

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Funny, and accurate
Chloe_ BRONZE said...
on Jul. 20 2010 at 12:25 am
Chloe_ BRONZE, San Antonio, Texas
4 articles 0 photos 43 comments

Favorite Quote:
Never underestimate the power of doing the ordinary in quite extraordinary ways.

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Totally love it! Like twilight is sooooo cliched and fake and all... but this was hilarious couldnt stop laughing! :)
wind.and.rain.again BRONZE said...
on Jul. 19 2010 at 1:24 pm
wind.and.rain.again BRONZE, Amherst, Massachusetts
4 articles 0 photos 50 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;What is it you wish to do with your one wild and precious life?&quot; Mary Oliver

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haha serves Twilight right lol
.:liz:. said...
on Jul. 19 2010 at 12:18 pm
oh wow that was really funny! i love it!
SimplyRachel PLATINUM said...
on Jul. 19 2010 at 9:53 am
SimplyRachel PLATINUM, Charlotte, North Carolina
48 articles 6 photos 40 comments

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I love it! It's so funny and i don't like twilight at all and it makes me want to actually read the books.
yourworstnightmare BRONZE said...
on Jul. 18 2010 at 6:40 pm
yourworstnightmare BRONZE, Sioux Falls, South Dakota
4 articles 0 photos 96 comments

Favorite Quote:
The best prize that life offers is the chance to work hard at work worth doing. (Teddy Roosevelt)

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oops...I kinda meant to reply to nixchix's comment. Anyways I loved it.
yourworstnightmare BRONZE said...
on Jul. 18 2010 at 6:36 pm
yourworstnightmare BRONZE, Sioux Falls, South Dakota
4 articles 0 photos 96 comments

Favorite Quote:
The best prize that life offers is the chance to work hard at work worth doing. (Teddy Roosevelt)

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ha, same here...except for the whole birthday thing. And I might make this into a movie. :) I'll let you know for sure.
Lorelei SILVER said...
on Jul. 17 2010 at 8:33 pm
Lorelei SILVER, Newport News, Virginia
9 articles 0 photos 56 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;Nothing is ever easy&quot;- Zeddicus Zul Zorander, copied by Richard Rahl

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that was odd
AelitaReloaded PLATINUM said...
on Jul. 16 2010 at 1:47 pm
AelitaReloaded PLATINUM, Scottsdale, Arizona
22 articles 0 photos 179 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;The pen is mightier than the sword&quot; author unknown (to me)

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That was very funny.
nixchix SILVER said...
on Jul. 16 2010 at 12:22 pm
nixchix SILVER, Dumfries, Other
7 articles 0 photos 6 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;If things are going untowardly one month, they are sure to mend the next.&quot; - Jane Austen

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this is REALLY funny, even though I LOVE twilight. A really good birthday present thank you!!!
love2run GOLD said...
on Jul. 15 2010 at 1:16 pm
love2run GOLD, Star Valley, Wyoming
12 articles 4 photos 64 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;I failed my way to success.&quot; Thomas Edison<br /> &quot;What kind of crazy nut would spend two or three hours a day just running?&quot; Pre<br /> &quot;A ship in harbor is safe, but that&#039;s not what ships are built for.&quot; John Shedd

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i LOVE this!!!!! hahaha i just laughed so hard, that made my day!!
Healing_Angel said...
on Jul. 15 2010 at 4:49 am
Hilarious! I don't like Twilight, but I love this! 
Stefegg PLATINUM said...
on Jul. 14 2010 at 10:50 pm
Stefegg PLATINUM, Maysville, Missouri
21 articles 0 photos 78 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited, imagination encircles the world.&quot;

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That was without a doubt the best part of my day today!  I mean, of course I like love stories, but Twilight is so...sappy.  Thanks for this one!
cmiley_freaky SILVER said...
on Jul. 14 2010 at 8:51 am
cmiley_freaky SILVER, Mississauga, Other
5 articles 8 photos 15 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;Go for it now, the future is promised to no one.&quot; - Wayne Dyer.

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LOL!

my god. i wish i could also show twilight how corny it really is.

thebeatles1423 said...
on Jul. 14 2010 at 12:26 am
thebeatles1423, Canutillo, Texas
0 articles 0 photos 15 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;If you work for a living, why do you kill yourself working?&quot; - TUCO from THE GOOD THE BAD AND THE UGLY

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you, sir, deserve a reward for making all of our days!!!!!!!!!!! i love it when people make fun of twilight!!!!!!!!

Good Job :]

silvermoon11 BRONZE said...
on Jul. 13 2010 at 11:55 pm
silvermoon11 BRONZE, Albuquerque, New Mexico
4 articles 10 photos 10 comments
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I think you just made my day.
yellowflower SILVER said...
on Jul. 13 2010 at 1:24 pm
yellowflower SILVER, Basking Ridge, New Jersey
8 articles 0 photos 47 comments
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sooooooo funny! that just made my day :)