Ow. I now know that supping two and a half cans of Barr Cream Soda gives the same effect as Coke belly. Anyway, y'all right? Wanna know some more about me? Aye, alright then.
My name's Michelle McGuinness, but everybody call me Mickii. (And just to let you know, I'm from Newcastle so I've got a bit of a Geordie accent!) NOBODY calls me Michelle, even the teachers. The only time I get called Michelle is when a substitute teacher reads out me name on the class register or when me mam's in a proper huff with me like. For example:

“Mickii, have you done your room??”
“Yes Mam, I'm not a scruff you know! Unlike SOME people I could mention!!” By that I mean Phoebs.
“Okay! Just making sure!”

Then she'll go upstairs.......

“MICHELLE MCGUINNESS!! GET YA LAZY *RSE UP HERE NOW!”
“Maaaaaaaaaaammm!”
“That's your name isn't it?!”

Seriously, just what is the point? Mickii and Michelle both have two syllables, so what the h***? Oh pardon me, what the heck? It's them people like Mam who think the words b*gger, h***, sod, g*t, *rse, etc. are swearwords! God, even if I divv'nt do a stupid job, she will go off on one. Then she'll probably take it out on Phoebs, even though she does sod-all anyway!

Anyway, back to meself.

1. I have dark ash 'something' hair, but it's VERY easily mistaken for normal brown, because that is the colour it comes across. It's quite short but it's not shortshort, if you know what I mean?? Not like Keri Hilson or owt like that. It's never grown past my shoulders, well it's about an inch past my shoulders truth be told. And I HATE going to school with morning-after-bath hair. Coz it bushes out because it's so freakin' thick! So I straighten it heaps. (Which means mam does it coz I can't straighten to save my life!)

2. I'm not the skinniest of people. Mam keeps saying it's because I've got a wide back and a massive ribcage, and the the McGuinness's and the Frazer's have never been perfect in body shapes and that we were never meant to be skinny. Yeah, thanks for the encouragement Mam! I'm not wide, my hips are quite narrow but it's not the wideness that's the problem. Nanna says,
“Mickii hinny, what does Gok say? Everybody's beautiful, well that's what Gok says. Want another cuppa?”
I'm sure Nanna wants me to drown in my own PG Tips sometimes. I always stay round Nanna's on a Saturday night, I love me Nanna me like. Audrey McGuinness. What a legend. Me Grandad left her when she was preggy with Dad, the tush-hole. I know he's never done owt to me or whatever, but anyone who hurts me Nanna isn't worth knowing.


3. I have to be one of the most crazy people ever to walk Whickham. I like everything that nobody else does. If I didn't look like a perfectly normal human being, I could pass for ET. And everybody teases me for it. Even Dad says I'm a weird weird child, and Dad's as daft as a brush. I take after me Auntie Debs. Well she isn't me real auntie, but there's kind of a link there. She's Mam's sister's husband's sister, we don't have the same blood, but I don't care what anyone says, she's me auntie. Auntie Debs. She can do any accent or weird voice under the sun, and so can I. She can wind everybody up, and so can I. She can make people crack up like two eggs dropped on wooden flooring, and of course, so can I.

4. I am the biggest comedy fan (who's a teenager) to walk the North-East. My eyes are literally glued to the TV screen when these shows come on:

Mock The Week
Would I lie To You?
Never Mind The Buzzcocks
Have I Got News For You
Bottom
The Young Ones
Live At The Apollo
Russell Howard's Good News!!!

Russell Howard is amazing mind! Not just because he's a really good comedian and that but he's WELL gorgeous like. Everybody else disagrees saying he looks like a constipated rat... Er, no he doesn't! Honestly, he's blonde but I wouldn't normally go for blondes. So that means if I was a man I would be considered a maniac for not liking blondes. I think natural blondes look quite nice. But peroxide blondes with brunette (especially black!) roots look dead tarty on girls my age. Anyway, back to Russell Howard...

My best friend Leanne thinks the same about him but she hasn't admitted it since her mam mentioned he looked like her ex, Ben. Stay away from Ben, he's wetter than a haddock's bathing costume. And according to Leanne, his brother Patrick isn't up to scratch either what with her calling him a pervert. Ben and Patrick absolutely HATE each other but what I don't get is, how can two people with the same personality hate each other that much. And the only time they talk is either, “What the h*** are you doing in my room?!” or if it's about Leanne.

Now, this might sound a bit weird but when I was age 9 and a half and younger, I looked and was so much like Dad. But age 10 and older, I'm looking and becoming SO much like Mam.
I have Mam's academic, mentally and emotionally controlled side, and then again, I have Dad's humourous, daft, charismatic side. But in appearance, me and Mam are like absolute spits.
Now, the weird thing with both my parents are that they're both going through a major mid-life crisis. For example, over the past year or whatever...

Mam is/has had:

4 tattoos.
Her nails done.
Her eyelashes tinted.
Her hair dyed with her fringe getting two-toned.
Buying every single piece of clothing at George.
And has joined SlimmingWorld.

Dad is/has had

5 tattoos, 3 of which are Red Indian.
Bought a new high-tech shower.
Loving Lady GaGa.
Buying clothes that only Vanilla Ice and Jay-Z would wear .
Bought himself designer aftershave.
Buying tons and tons of new CDs and DVDs.
Especially gangster ones, that include Leonardo DiCaprio.

MAJOR MID-LIFE CRISIS OR WHAT, HUH?!
See what I mean? That's why I hate hate HATE them meeting me mates... Because they're dead embarrassing like! Dad used to think that that was an insult when your eldest daughter calls you embarrassing. What planet was he on? Now he thinks it must be the 'in' thing to have an embarrassing Dad nowadays, so what does he do? He builds his self up to make embarrass me twice as much as he would usually do in front of anyone else that's not family! God, if I had said that in real life, that WOULD be too much of a gobful to say whilst holding your breath, wouldn't it?
My family is kind of weird, huh? The only member of the McGuinness family that isn't much of a nutter, is my little sister by a year and eleven months, Phoebe McGuinness!

Now, the strange thing is is that me and Phoebs, are nothing, and I mean NOTHING alike.
I'm quite confident, she's dead shy.
I'm quite out-going, she's not so enthusiastic.
I'm dead chatty, she's dead quiet.
I'm tall, she's short.
I've done some dead stupid stuff, she's a goody-goody-two-shoes.
I have loads of friends, she only has Lindsay.
I don't have a boyfriend, she does.
I do stuff that normal 13-year-olds wouldn't do, she's too innocent.
I'm a mammy's-girl, she's a daddy's-girl.
I like being the centre of attention, she'd rather die.
I love anything to do with drama, she hates anything to do with it.
I have green eyes, she has blue eyes.
I have dark brown hair, she has reddy-brown with blonde highlights.
I couldn't care less if I'm wrong sometimes, she ALWAYS has to be right.
I really like school apart from the work, she would have it abolished if possible.
I wear normal clothes, she wears stuff heaps too big for her (a.k.a Dad's clothes)
I like everything that she doesn't.
I hate everything she likes.
I don't have any freckles, she has them strawn across her cheeks.
I could fancy ten lads at once if possible, she has one and only one, if that!
I have my own opinion, and basically, her opinion's is Dad's.
I couldn't care less what I do, she worries about the simplest little things.
AND, we look NOTHING alike!

When I said that she has a boyfriend... When I say boyfriend, I mean devil in a boyfriend's disguise. Dan. You have no idea how much I hate him. He has hyper-activity and has slight learning difficulties, and I know he can't help that, but he is the most annoying little pleb I've ever come across! He thinks that he and Phoebs are gonna grow up, get married, have 25 kids, grow old, and live happily ever after.
I know that sounds dead sweet, but if you actually experienced what it's like to be around it, it'd make you throw up. He thinks we're bezzie-mates for all eternity, he can 'p' off!
They're in different schools. Phoebs's in Year 6 at Marley Hill Community Primary School up the road from where we live. And Dan's in Year 7 in Whickham School and Sports College. MY school. That's what so annoying about the whole thing. The only thing me and Dan have in common is that the whole of Year Seven and Year Eight know who we are.

Long story, maybe I'll tell you the whole story in another chapter, but not this one. I want this chapter to be a good one. Anyway, I'm in Year Eight (purple ties), and dudes with purple ties rule Whickham as far as I'm concerned.


In Year 8, you have:

Swots.
That do every single piece of homework, coursework on the exact night they get it, they stay at the library for 2 hours more than everybody else, wear proper geek frames with lenses thicker than a nun's femidom, and who are in Set 1a for every single subject.

Randoms.
They don't actually have a specific type of personality in particular, cos they'll just be in any random mood, feeling random feelings, for different random reasons, over other dead random people!

Populars.
They think that everybody thinks they rock. They to soak up all the gossip, drink alcohol even though most of them are only 13, steal from Somerfield, smoke, have so many sleepovers they practically live in 15 houses at once, all the popular lads have minds filthier than something from How Clean Is Your House, all call each other things like, 'Sexy, Babe, Lush'un, Gawjuss, etc.” and they all have about 2 to 5 boyfriends or girlfriends a month, if that.

Sport freaks
Who are so skinny I'm surprised they can walk, play every single sport imaginable, all tie their hair up, all have six-packs (even the girls), all horrible to everyone except each other, all are in every single after-school club on schedule and they all get MEGA high levels for PE.
Maybe I should make this random writing into something a bit more, a diary maybes? Yeah, okay. Wait... You need a name, (let's make you a boy) erm.... Think celebrity names... Taio Cruz, Justin Bieber, Russell Howard, Graeme from Corrie, Jamie Oliver, Enrique Iglesias (bit of a extravagant name for a diary, d'ya think?), Robert Patterson, Gareth Gates.... That's it... Gareth! So, I'd better start calling you 'Gareth' from now on then!

Anyway, I seriously need to go to bed now coz Mam'll be yelling at me to the crack of dawn to put down my pen and climb into my too highly sprung bed with it's humongous tribe of springs!!

So... NiteNite, xxx :)