I want to start off by saying I’m sorry. I know that I’ve been acting different lately, and it’s my fault. I felt like you were replacing me, and I didn’t like that feeling. In the last few weeks, I have grown clinically depressed. This is something you don’t know, because it doesn’t seem like you really even care about me anymore. I know that we fight. That’s what best friends do. Though, best friends don’t just drop each other when they find a new friend.

Everyone needs a shoulder to cry on. For a long time, you were that person for me. You got me through a lot of things, and you were always there for me. But that has all changed. I’ve grown tired of only being there when you want me to be. That’s not how being a best friend works. I wish that you could see that I’m not just a person that you can throw around. I’m not just a person that you can walk all over. For a long time, you were the reason that I got out of bed. You were the reason that I came to school. I wanted to see you, and be there to make you happy. But as we get closer and closer to the end of the year, I have figured out that we have only become friends, while we are at school. When we are out of school, our friendly gossiping texts have stopped. You stop asking me how I am doing every morning, and you have stopped texting me goodnight. I know that right now, while you’re reading this, you are thinking that the phones work both ways. The only problem with that, is that I did try. I continued to text you, and talk with you. It was you who decided to stop it.

You used to tell me all the time how amazing it was to be my friend. We were inseparable over that Christmas break, when we played in the snow together, and when we went snowmobiling. It wasn’t until I went away to my Grandfather's house, a couple hours away, that we drifted. We were the closest that we had been in a long time. You texted me everyday saying how much you missed me, and told me that I needed to come home. I wanted so badly to just pack my bags and head home, and I realize now that I neglected my family because of you. I spent most of the time that I was there, locked away in the guest bedroom, texting you. While I was on my way home, about 20 minutes away, the texts from you stopped. It was at that point that I began to wonder what had happened to you. You aren’t the type of person who just stops texting someone without giving a reason as to why you are going to be gone. You were expecting me at your house, the moment that I got home. And your house was the only place that I wanted to be.

When I showed up, She was there. The friend that you used to be close to, but who had disappeared from your life. The girl who you talked endless crap on, because she had changed, and she wasn’t what she used to be anymore. She was there, and you decided at that moment, that she was better than me. You decided to stop contacting me while we were not at school. You tried to make everything seem like it was okay, but I knew that it wasn’t. You may not realize what you did, but that hurt me more than you are ever going to know. I spent 2 weeks straight, crying in the bathroom at work. Then, when I got home, I would go to the shower, cry there, and then cry what tears I had left into my pillow before fading off into a night-mare filled sleep.

I became anorexic. I didn’t want to eat. I thought maybe if I were to become skinny, like Her, you would want me to be your friend again. That didn’t work out so well, since I decided to eat to stop the pain in my heart. You broke me. I am still broken. I have anxiety attacks every night before I go to work, because I have to face people, and I’m scared that you are going to come through that door with her, and I’m going to have to paste on a fake smile, and pretend like everything's okay.

The problem with this, is that you don’t understand how much I am hurting. You think that everything is okay, because I don’t want to hurt your feelings. I’m sure that you don’t care about mine, but I am feeling ways that I have never felt before. I want you to know, that yes, I am depressed. I have been this way for a few weeks, and have even thought multiple times about killing myself. That’s why you’re getting this letter. When you read this, I will be gone. To my happy place, wherever that may be. I want you to know that this is your fault, but I don’t want you to blame yourself. You didn’t know what you were doing. This is who you are. You are friends with someone for a while, but then when someone else comes along, you drop your old friends in the blink of an eye. This isn’t your fault.

I know that some people are going to think that suicide is just a way out of your problems, and I’m not going to disagree with that. I know that I could have stayed, and worked things out in my own way, but I didn’t want to do that. I wanted to be where I could be happy, and for the last few weeks, I can’t seem to find anywhere in this place that I am happy.

My home life is a wreck, and you know this. You know that my parents fight, and that I hate myself. I look in the mirror, and see nothing but ugly, and a waste of space. I have tried so hard for the last few days to come up with a reason for me to stay, but I just can’t seem to find the willpower to do so. There are many things that I haven’t been able to tell you lately, because you don’t want to waste you time talking to me. You know that night, about 2 weeks ago, when I asked you if you were still awake so that we could talk? You said the next morning that you had fallen asleep early. Which I knew was a lie. I was raped after work. I was walking out to my car, and I got attacked. He took everything that I had, and you, my best friend, weren’t there to help me, because you weren’t talking to me. The night that you texted me and told me that She was going to be over, so I couldn’t stay the night, I tried to overdose on pills. That morning that I was crying in your living room, because I didn’t want to bear the fact that I was replaced? I was having an anxiety attack, but you didn’t bother to even ask me what was wrong. Just looked at me, and walk back into your room.

You have become the best friend that I hope no one has. You are the type of person that uses other people so that you aren’t bored. I have been trying to write this for about a week or so now, and as I am sitting here, I realize that I don’t want to be your friend. The one thing that I have been putting myself through hell for, is an end result that I don’t even want! You hurt me. You lie to me. You talk about me behind my back.

I don’t want you to cry over me being gone. I know that you are probably going to cry, but I know that you aren’t going to miss me. You are going to miss my shell of a body, that you use as your personal rag doll. You use me when you need , what I have began to call, a “gap friend”. Someone that you can put up with until you find a new best friend. Before I met you, I was a happy person. I talked to my parents, I laughed with them, we were a happy family. Then you came along, and I spent more at your house than at my own. You considered me one of your own family, but was I actually ever really apart of it? You gave me hope that our friendship was real. That it couldn’t be replaced. I found out really quick that I was wrong.

I have moved on to a happier place. Where I can’t get hurt by you anymore. I want you to know, that I loved you. You were my rock. I wanted to be yours, but I wasn’t enough. Please forgive me for taking the “Easy way out”.

     I love you.