a play in one act

 
CHARACTERS
(In Order of Appearance)

HERB ………………………………………… confused old man.

ROSEMARY ……………………………… HERB’s wife. Experienced in kitchen.

MACE ………………………………………… HERB and ROSEMARY’s grandson. Early 20s.

SETTING

Time: Present time, over the course of a day.

Place: The home of an elderly couple.

SYNOPSIS OF SCENES

Scene One: One morning in the kitchen.

Scene Two: Immediately after, in the kitchen.

Scene Three: Later that day, in dining room.
 

SCENE ONE

(AT RISE: Clean, medium sized kitchen, set UPSTAGE. HERB is fiddling with a video camera and tripod DOWN LEFT.)

HERB
(indistinct mumbling)
This darnded thing! Oh! Got it!

(Enter ROSEMARY from left, trailing a cord).

ROSEMARY
Herb, have you set up the camera yet?

HERB
Hmmm? Oh, yes. Been waitin’ for ages. What took you so long?

ROSEMARY
Well, setting up the live stream harder was than I thought! Anyway, we just plug this cord in and we’ll be all set.

(She leans toward camera, looking for the right spot).

HERB
Ah, give me that!

(He snatches the cord away and plugs it it).

HERB
There we go.

ROSEMARY
Are you sure you put it in the right one?

HERB
‘Course I am. Mace showed me. Besides, there’s only one jack!

ROSEMARY
Well, no. I know quite a few.

(Blackout. End of Scene One).
Scene Two

(OPENS ON empty kitchen, moved forward from Scene One. Tray of various ingredients and materials is set out. Camera is gone. There is a landline phone hanging above rear counter. Enter HERB right and ROSEMARY left, wearing flowery aprons. They meet CENTERSTAGE at kitchen counter. They turn and face audience.)

HERB

Hello, and welcome to Episode… ummm…

    ROSEMARY
Eig-

HERB
Eight of “Rosemary and Herb’s Crazy Cooking”.

   ROSEMARY
Today, we are doing a live stream, at the request of JacquesNJulia93.

HERB
Last time, we made apple pie. Today, we will be stepping it up with… ummm…

   ROSEMARY
Ba-

HERB
Baby Back Ribs… (nods head) Let’s hope it’s better than that puréed spinach I choked down last night. Worse than baby food.

(HERB licks/smacks lips).

   ROSEMARY
(Aside).
It was baby food. He deserved it.

HERB
  (A beat).
First, we must wash our hands. Also, notice our lovely aprons.

   ROSEMARY
Yes, Herb.
(To audience/camera)
As I like to say, cleanliness is next to godliness.

(Moves UP LEFT to sink).

HERB
And clay!

(They ‘wash’ and ‘dry’ hands. One actor makes a fake water noise. Then BOTH return CENTER).

   ROSEMARY
Now, we can begin cooking. We’ll start with the sauce. Today we’ll be making a homemade recipe, Coca Cola BBQ, but you can also use a store bought version. You see we have ketchup, Worcestershire sauce, garlic salt, brown sugar, and, of course, Coca Co-.

(Soda can opening noise. Herb is DOWN LEFT with can, sipping).

   ROSEMARY
Herb! Get back here! That pop is for the sauce.

(Herb continues sipping).

   ROSEMARY
(Crossing DOWN LEFT with wooden spatula).
Herb! That is not for you.

(ROSEMARY hits HERB with spatula. HERB jumps).

HERB
(innocently)
Rosie! I just was taking a break for a little sodiepop. What did you want?

   ROSEMARY
Now Herb, I know you heard me. Give me the Coca Cola, and I’ll let you have some of that apple pie later.

HERB
What’s that about pie? You’ll have to talk to my good ear.
(HERB sips smugly. ROSEMARY leans down and whispers in HERB’s ear. HERB is struck with fear. HERB gulps and hands ROSEMARY the soda. BOTH cross to CENTER).

   ROSEMARY
Now, we can mix our ingredients together over medium to low heat. Feel free to add hot sauce or cayenne pepper to add a little kick.

(HERB mixes and stirs in saucepan).

   ROSEMARY
On medium to low heat, Herb.

(HERB moves STAGE RIGHT to stovetop oven, which faces center).

   ROSEMARY
Once mixed, we can bring the sauce to a boil, and leave for a few minutes to thicken. While we wait, we can start with the meat.
(To HERB).
You can go get it dear.

(HERB exits LEFT. ROSEMARY stares into camera. The awkward silence is interrupted by phone ringing).

   ROSEMARY
Hello?

MACE
(off)
Grandma? It’s Mace. I’m watching you right now!

   ROSEMARY
(into phone)
You are? Why didn’t you tell us you were home?

(ROSEMARY moves toward window).

MACE
(off, chuckles)
No, Grandma. On YouTube. You’re live remember?
 
   ROSEMARY
(glances at camera/audience)
Oh yes.

MACE
Anyway, I just wanted to say hi. Also, remember that you don’t need to stare into the camera for so long…

  ROSEMARY
Yes, I knew that. Why do you mention it?

MACE
Oh, just wanted to remind you…
(Enter HERB with large box).
Anyway, I’ll let you get back to your video.

  ROSEMARY
Ok, bye, Mace.

(ROSEMARY puts down phone. She is not facing HERB).

HERB
Who was that, Rosie?

(HERB’s confidence is back. HERB begins unpacking the box).

  ROSEMARY
Oh, just Mace. He called to-

(ROSEMARY turns around and sees HERB pull a baby from the box).
Herb why do you have a baby!?

HERB
For the Baby Back Ribs. Do you have the sauce ready?... It says it right here in the cook book.
  (reading slowly from book)
One Baby.

  ROSEMARY
  (looks at book, reads slowly)
Noo. That says One bag of Baby carrots.

HERB
Well, what is it made out of then?
  ROSEMARY
Not babies!

HERB
Well, what are we going to do with this baby? It has a no return policy.

  ROSEMARY
  (glances at camera)
Just, put it away. Did you even get the pork ribs? Oh, nevermind!
  (faces the camera)
It appears the Baby Back Ribs have… fallen through. Instead, we will make… hard boiled eggs!
  (to HERB, stage whisper)
Go get some eggs from the fridge!

(HERB goes upstage to fridge).

  ROSEMARY
First, we’ll boil some eggs. So, fill a pot with water.

(ROSEMARY pulls out saucepan. Have props available under counter. HERB brings a carton of eggs).

  ROSEMARY
Wait for the water to boil.
(ROSEMARY and HERB watch pot closely).

HERB
Rosie, I’d actually prefer egg rolls. Can we make egg rolls?

  ROSEMARY
  (ignores HERB)
Then, drop some eggs in the boiling water.
(ROSEMARY grabs eggs from carton and drops them in).

  ROSEMARY
And now we have hard boiled eggs! Herb, go ahead and scoop them out.
(ROSEMARY hands HERB a ladle. HERB scoops all out onto plate. Then HERB takes one egg and flicks it).

HERB
See, Rosie. I made an egg roll.

ROSEMARY
  (sighs and shakes head)
Herb.
(Blackout).
(End of Scene 2).
 
  Scene Three

(OPENS ON dining room. Table is set for two. There are hard boiled eggs and a sauce at the center of the table. A box sits conspicuously in an extra chair).

  ROSEMARY
  (cheerily)
When serving, cut each egg in half lengthwise. You can drizzle the BBQ sauce over the egg, or offer it as a dip. This is a great appetizer or side dish for any social gathering!

HERB
And, it’s easy to make. Even a beginner can do it!

  ROSEMARY
Now, let’s eat!

(BOTH eat).

  ROSEMARY
Delicious!

HERB
  (glances at box)
Well… Baby Back Ribs would have been better. Or egg rolls. But yes! Simply scrumptious!

(BOTH face the camera).

  ROSEMARY
This has been Episode 8: Barbeque Boiled Eggs of “Rosemary and Herb’s Crazy Cooking!”

HERB
Thanks for watching! Join us next time in Episode 9, when we will be making… ummm…

ROSEMARY
Lem-

HERB
Lemons (long pause) with Garlic Chicken.

(ROSEMARY and HERB exeunt RIGHT and LEFT, respectively. CURTAIN).