Alone.

When I was in 5th grade I was bullied for the first time. I had just moved to North Carolina
from Virginia. It was a new house, new school, and I was hoping new friends. I would soon come to find out the ‘friend’ part was going to be harder than I thought. At my old school I had many friends to talk to and hang out with, so it was a bit of a culture shock for me when girls started whispering things about me. It all started with these two girls I will never forget the names of. Diamond, and her ‘side-kick’ Tatiana. Diamond had short black hair. Along with light chocolate skin. Tatianna had short black hair that was always in pigtails, dark skin, and was short. For some reason, in which I still don't know why, they hated me.

It started with the whispers. Both girls would sit in front of me, and whisper so quiet I couldn't understand a word. But it must have been really funny because they were always laughing. Recess was the worst. Because not only was it Diamond and Tatiana, but they had a group of say 4 other girls who would laugh, and make fun of me. They made fun of my walk once, which I remember asking myself “how hard is it too walk?” and “am I really that bad at it?”

Every Time they whispered things in front of me I felt as if everything I did was wrong, even walking. I could feel tears build up in my eyes. I wanted to disappear. I knew I couldn't let the tears fall though, not there. I couldn’t give them one more thing to laugh, or make fun of, so i usually stayed quiet and to myself. One day in the gym we were playing dodge ball. Diamond and Tatiana got out and started looking at me and whispering, so I got out on purpose. I walked up to the both of them and asked a question I had been itching to ask all this time.
“Why don't you like me?” Diamond stayed quite (probably shocked I confronted them), and let Tatiana speak.
“I dont know. We just don't like you.” she said like it was no big deal. As if she didn't even hear how dumb that sounded.
I was so confused and thought “how can you not like someone for no reason?” I didn't say anything back. What was there to say?

The whispering , giggling, and imitations didn't stop like I had hoped. If anything the confrontation made them hate me even more. I remember each day getting off the bus and crying on the walk up the driveway, then I would stop once I got to the house so my mom wouldnt see. One night I told my mom what had been happening at school with Diamond and Tatiana, and about the group at recess. I remember feeling my face go red as tears streamed down my cheeks. The salty taste of my tears is so vivid now like it had been just yesterday. I begged my mom not to call the school or tell my teacher because I knew it wasn't going to make things better.

A few weeks later parent teacher conferences came up. Before we walked into the school I begged my mom not to mention what I told her was happening she said “okay!” angrily to me because I had been stressing it. Once my teacher was finished talking about my grades and the the things I did well and needed improvement on in class, she looked at my mom and I and said “any questions?” I shook my head gesturing a ‘no’, but my mom said “well… I think Ashley has something to tell you.” I could feel the tears build up in my eyes I couldn't believe my mom said that. I opened my mouth and before words came out I found myself crying. Through my gentle tears I said “Diamond and Tatiana have been saying things about me, and making me feel uncomfortable. Spreading rumors and trying to get people to turn against me.” My teacher reached back behind her to grab a box of tissues, and handed one to me. I didn't know what to do, there I was crying infront of my mom and my teacher. I felt embarrassed. Then my teacher shared with me a story about her son, and how when he was in high school a bunch of kids gathered in the bathroom and beat some kid up. The kids that beat the kid up blamed it on her son, when he had no part in it. She told me she would be watching the girls for the next few weeks, and how she wasn't going to put up with it.

Nothing seemed to change. They would still whisper and laugh, like what they had just heard was the funniest thing in the world. But when you're on the other side of the joke its not funny at all. Towards the end of 5th grade that year I found out my dad was getting transferred to Colorado for work. So we were moving, which meant no more Diamond or Tatiana. I went back to school for my last week and I remember we had a substitute. Diamond took this as her opportunity to torture me and thought no consequences. On the playground at recess she got her ‘group’ together and they would walk past me laughing really loud like they were worried I wouldn't hear. I asked them to stop and of course they didn't. The substitute was no help either. Once we got back inside the classroom Diamond threw pencils at me. Thats when I had enough. I threw the pencil back at her harder than she had hit me, and just my luck i'm the one who gets in trouble. “WE DO NOT THROW PENCILS IN SCHOOL!” said the substitute. I didn't talk back, and she made me say I was sorry to Diamond. The truth was I wasn't.

Now looking back on all of that I ask myself the question of “why didnt you say more?” and “why were you so scared?” I don't know the answers to these question like I wish I did. I haven't spoken to either of the girls since my last days in North Carolina. But if I ever heard an apology, I would have no problem accepting one. I've told myself “maybe they had something going on in there life that you can't understand.” I want to ask the girls why they hated me so much like I had when I was going through that, but Id like a real answer. I think that in our lives there's always going to be someone making fun of everything you do no matter what .Whether it be out of jealousy or annoyance, there will always be someone you can't please. All I wanted to do was please Diamond and the truth was that I couldnt. Its all about how you come out of it in the end instead of dwelling on it. I can look at it as a time in my life when nothing felt right. Or, I can see it as a tremendous learning experience.