2 Days, until christmas… everyone's counting down. This year was going to be a good year, the keyword was. On December 23rd, 2016 I lost one of the most important people in my life, December 23rd, 2016 my Grandmother lost her battle to colon cancer.

I remember this day like it happened yesterday. It wasn’t very action-packed either, it was just like any regular day. My mom woke me up around 7:30 and said,

 “I’m leaving to go to Mommom’s house, you can’t come”.

 I didn’t think of that as anything for the simple fact that it was 7 in the morning and she wanted to go by herself. I mean now that I put 2 and 2 together I see why she didn’t want me to come. Around 10:30 I got out of bed, turned on my Xbox and played BattleField 1. I remember I was playing the Through Mud and Blood campaign. my mom was texting me here and there seeing what's up. we knew she was going to pass but we didn’t think, well I didn’t think it would be that soon. Then my mom called me saying, 

“Tell your dad to answer the phone.” 

she wouldn’t tell me what’s going on so I walked down my steps confused, But had an idea on what happened. I walked into my parent's room and my dad was on the phone with his friend. All I said was 

“Mom told me to tell you to call her” 

He mumbled something then hung up the phone and told me to leave the room. So I didn’t ask questions, his tone was serious. Around 15 minutes later he came out of the room with his signature black hat and grabbed his keys and said

“I’m going to your grandma’s house I’ll be back later, your Aunt crystals gonna bring you over there in a little.” 

 I went upstairs and played my game for a while. I'm not dumb, I knew what happened I just didn’t wanna believe it. Have you known of something but tried so damn hard not to believe it. Around 7:30 my aunt crystals white SUV pulled into my rocky driveway my brother and I got into her car.

As we turn left off of Columbus Ave onto Hampton Street my heart races, I know what I'm about to find out, I just played stupid until the time came. We walk into the door I see my mom, my aunt Kristen, both my Great grandparents, My pop-pop Mike, my Dad, and my uncle Steve and his girlfriend at the time Kate. They are all sitting in the living room and talking, in brisk whispers, I walk into the dining room and I see my cousin Gabe eating the Big John's Pizza someone brought. I sit next to him and we talked about videogames and Tv shows, you know Kid stuff.

  While the grease runs down my hand, I grab another slice of pizza, my mom walks into the dining room and tells me and my cousins to go into Gabe's room. It’s me, Gabe, My brother, Kate, my mom, and Kristen. My cousin Gabe looking very confused. Me? Just waiting for the inevitable. I already know whats happened I'm just waiting for closure. The room gets quiet and then my mom talks, if I'm going to be honest, what she said was a blur it was along the lines of 

“Mommom pizza passed” 

 (We called her mommom pizza because when my brother was little he couldn’t pronounce ‘’mommom Lisa’’ so he said “mommom pizza”)

Or something like that. I didn’t cry at first it kinda took a little for it to hit me. but we all went back downstairs and that’s where I broke down. I don’t know why it took me a while but it did. I shut down, I didn’t talk to anyone I just sat there with a blank expression, No tears, no nothing just numb to what happen 

December 24,2016. It's christmas eve, we do the usual stay at my aunt's house we the whole family, Laughing, playing, eating, all around having a good time, well it was a normal christmas eve as normal as it's gonna get. You could tell that that something was missing.. Well someone was missing. It was different without her like it seemed lifeless without her there. We all still tried to have a good time. Around 10:30 we started to open the presents that our relatives got us. I remember this so vividly it was a box wrapped with a light blue wrapping paper and had snowmen on it, I read the tag and I felt my heart ache 

“TO: Kaiden”

“FROM:MOM-MOM Pizza”

Right as those words ran off my tongue and out my lips 

1 Week after she passed

January 2nd, 2017, the day of the viewing services. I remember it clearly, we walked into Freitags Funeral Home and they took us into the backroom and talked about the services, and the cremation but I wasn’t in the room for that part. After they told the adults everything and settled everything. We walked up towards the front… where the casket was. It was A well lit area with fake candles and a Tv above the casket. It was playing an Adel song while going through a slideshow of pictures, A very calming kind of remembrance for her. 

The hands-down the worst feeling in the world is knowing that you’ll never see someone again. All you’ll have left is the memories, things you wished you did differently. You take the people in your life for granted, I've learned that. my grandma wasn’t the only person I lost that year. November 13th,2016 I lost my cousin to an Overdose. March 19th, 2017 I lost my great grandfather to a cardiac arrest, you never know who's next; so make the most of your time with everyone, before it's too late. I regret not staying at my grandma's house all these times now, lost opportunities.

I make my way up to her casket, It's a creamy color with white silk on the inside of it. I see her laying down. When they say dead people look sleeping at funerals. They weren’t lying, she just looks asleep. She looks how she did before she was sick, I stand, Weak legged in front of the casket my hearts beating a million beats per second, I touch her hand; Ice cold. All these emotions flow through my head. I go sit down, then everything comes out. I start crying, I try to stop. It doesn’t work. 

After the first day of the services, we go home. I’m exhausted, my eyes hurt. I have a pounding headache and all I want to do is go to sleep. As the car stops in my driveway I open the door and a brisk January breeze hits my face. It stings my eyes and makes them water.

Jan 3rd,2017 the next morning.

Out of both days of the services I feel like this today was the worst one. Today was the day that  the mass is held, today is the day that the casket gets closed and most importantly the last day I could see my Grandma. We pull into the Fritags parking lot. I get out of my moms car and wait for the others. I see my aunts van pull into the parking lot, when she parks I wait for her to get the car, You can tell these last few days have been rough on everyone. Red stuffy noses and dark black bags under everyone's eyes. Everyone else is already inside. The usual we talk,walk up to the casket see her But this time I wasn’t crying. I was Just standing in front of her. This is going to sound weird but I felt like she was there, Like her spirit or something, it sounds crazy but like I wasn’t crying and I felt a sense of protection and comfort when I was standing up there. It’s hard to explain. 

After the last of the services were getting wrapped up we all went up and say our final goodbyes. When they closed the casket. That’s when everything came out, I started bawling like a baby and i'll admit that. I watched my dad and my uncles carry the casket into the back of the hearse. The mass was held at the Immaculate Conception Church on pearl street. I don’t remember much from the mass beside the preacher has us get on our knees and pray and then we got blessed, and the mass finished.

December 23,2016 is a date that will be forever tattooed on my brain. This changed me and helped make me into the man I am today.