My deep dive through the sea wasn’t a first. The whole world was swimming through the ocean as I sunk deeper into the tyranny of salt water. I tried to scream but my head was underwater. I sink deeper.

My name. Who knows my name? Identity. A lost shattered identity. No identity. I push deeper. The whole world is now underwater. I close my eyes.

A reunification therapist just threw me out of her office. My life is normal right? It was nice saying things that were never true.

No one could have suspected something was wrong with my life. I had always been the clown in my social circle. Clowns don't cry. I was invisible, everyone knew that by now yet they act like I matter. And still I don’t.

I’m just another physical appendage. No. Just another contribution to the Earth’s population. A nobody. A girl from nowhere.

I’m a record label, but has different music that no one understands the depth of.

I find myself lost in my own sea. I feel like a drunk giraffe.

The last 3 years of my life has led up to this moment.

That therapy was like none other. I’ve already dealed with one of them. How bad could the second one be? I was wrong. I’d suffered from psychological, verbal and emotional abuse after stepping out of each session.

The reunification therapist’s office was in a small space with paper thin walls. I was able to hear each and every conversation of different clients during my visits. I’d usually press my ears against the doorframe from time to time. I was aware that a cctv camera was scrutinizing my every move.

As a revenge, I’d use the therapist’s sanitizer bottles till they were completely squeezed out. It was a benefit for me anyways, my skin was getting softer with each use of that greasy carton.

By the therapist, I was termed with oppositional defiant disorder. “You never listen to adults!” I remember getting yelled at her office harshly.

School was honestly nothing very different apart from the fact that I was an unwanted piece in every friend group I made and never fitted in.

I was a reticent type. I think about the time my friend said “okay that kinda makes sense why you play the violin, you’re just so bookish.” She laughed as I munched on my chocolate sandwich. I didn’t really get what was so funny to laugh, mostly she was just mocking me.

I never really let anyone inside my bubble. I was private about my life and I kept it under wraps. For the most part, I patched up some lies to my friends and turned it into my life story. It honestly never really came back to bite me, and I’m just thankful for that.

I counted my reasons to live everyday. I was writing letters to my future self. I press my hands against almost every mirror or glass window that I see, in hopes of suddenly time travelling to meet my future self.

It feels good to shove success down someone’s pitiable throat. That was my number one reason to live. To prove it to others that I can make something of myself.

I never preferred to see the world in colours or black in white but rather in shades of grey.

I open my eyes again. Though this time, I see mass bodies of others who have already sunk down to the bottom. I could feel myself sinking all over again deeper into the sea.

I can see children’s feet push through the water in a slow game of tag to prevent their worthless bodies from sinking to the bottom. My vision was getting blurrier as the surface of the sea started to get farther away as my eyes shedded glacier white tears. One breaks away from the group of and swims up to the bottom, her hair floating all around her like a crown. She grabs my arm and tries to pull me up to the surface but it was no use. We both sank even deeper this time and in the fear of dying, her grasp loosened from my arm and let me go. The girl started weeping and swam up to the surface, leaving my lifeless body fade into the darkness of the sea.

I feel numb, without any escapism. I closed my eyes one last time and saw the world waiting up for me. A million reasons filled up my existence as I whispered one final word to the water, “goodbye…”