October 31, 2011- November 02, 2011, a devastating tragedy occurred for a caring and loved 18year old. I felt loss and hopeless. It was truly a DEVASTATING TRAGEDY!

Ever since his death, I haven’t been feeling like myself. Sometimes I cry and sometimes I feel sick to my stomach. At times, I find it kind of hard to focus on most things and at times I can feel my body’s energy being drawn away. During those times all I want to do is just sit there and think, while I wait for time to go by. However, when I start to think about how he looked in the hospital, I can feel nothing but pain and a kind of sting sensations overtake my body. He looked as though he, himself, was in pain.

Painful heat.

I could sense his body’s energy letting go. When I examined his hand, it was as hot as a cup of hot chocolate in the winter time and as I touched his body, suddenly an uncomfortable feeling of warmth shot through every corner of mine. There I could do NOTHING but WEEP and HOLLER at the very image of him lying just there. I yelled, cried, and attacked tables and walls. “BAM, BAM” the tables shook. I felt out of control. I had officially lost my mind. No one, not anyone, not even the doctors could console me. I just wanted to run through the halls angrily, while demolishing everything in my path, but I didn’t. I just stayed attached to my current position, plastered to the blue plastic chair. Then, the mental picture just kept playing over and over again.

“Just hold on, you’re going to be ok,” I told him as tears ran down my face.

“Be strong, don’t be afraid,” I went on.

(He shakes his head up and down very softly)
His head bleeding from the gun shot wound, tubes all over him, “Beep, Beep” the machines went off and on, and then him, he who looks as though he was ready to leave the very sight of the earth just rested.

“Is he going to be ok?” I asked the doctor.

“Well, the way the bullet went in, we’re not sure of his outcome,” the doctor replied, “the bullet went in through the front, zigzagged through, and then went out the back of his head.”

This IMAGE, this MEMORY
My BROTHER
My LIFE
My HEART
My EVERYTHING

He brought joy into my spirit. When he left, the light in my life grew dim and the joy in my spirit was stripped away from me. I feel as though there’s no one here for me anymore. The more I think about it and relive the past memory; I fall into depression and start to forget about everything else. This stage of depression and sorrow makes me feel like all hope has been lost. In the mist of those thoughts, I drift off and think about how he brought smiles upon everyone’s faces, especially, the ladies.

“Boy was he a mess!” (Laughing)

However, as days, weeks, and months go by, I still can’t believe he’s gone. No one makes me feel as content as he did besides my baby brother. I miss the laughter that filled the air and the smiles that lightened every dark place. Sometimes, I feel like I’ve disappointed him in many ways but, no matter what he still loved and protected me.

His Love and His Spirit.

Now I just have to find my own way to this light of peace that I seek. So many questions left unanswered about how he felt and my heart seems to be misunderstood. Well, I just have to keep pushing and hold on to the little hope and faith I have left, due to this devastating tragedy.

Oh how I wish he was still here.

From then and now, every day I try to find my way through this black muck of darkness but it feels as though the long walk of depression and darkness goes on FOREVER.