There’s that time in a single person’s life that the object of time seems to slow down, and suddenly you’re surrounded by this mass of darkness and you can’t seem to tell which way is up or which way is down. It’s a flashbulb memory, burnt into the back of your eyes, the vision trapped inside your mind and the voices echoing in your ears. It’s like your back there, standing in the same place you stood when you realized that the one you loved most was slipping through your fingers.

It seemed like a life time ago that I had talked to my father about something that actually mattered, not sports or school but ethics and morals. It seemed like a century ago that we had laughed at each other, most jokes ending with both of us struggling for our next breathe. My life with my father had ended before it had even begun. Looking back on it we never even had the chance to survive this world, we would have never made it anyways. The world had two separate plans for the both of us, and it didn’t involve a lot of mixing together. After the second marriage my father stopped being my dad. It was like his second wife shoved a wedge in between the relationship my father and I had previously shared. She corrupted the relationship, ruined it and twisted it into something ugly. It was a shock to realize that after all this time she’s still not the real reason why my father and I didn’t work out. It was really because of me, I was unwilling to change, stuck in my stubborn ways, pointing my finger at them.

So really I chose to grow up without a single father figure, but the experience, the struggle of finding myself on my own, did not go unappreciated. I learned many lessons because I never allowed my father to be by my side. It’s like his absence in my life forced me to develop my sense of character faster, to grow up sooner, to always be looking out for myself and for my sister because I soon learned that if I didn’t, no one would. And I learned how to stand on my own two feet.

I struggled to learn how to defend myself, even if it meant defending myself from him. I quickly discovered that I could use my voice, and that my voice held my inner strength. I unwrapped this helpless girl and found a powerful young woman who wasn’t afraid anymore. She wasn’t afraid to lose her father because she realized that he was already lost. She wasn’t afraid of other people because at the end of the day the only person she had to live with was herself, and that fueled her own flame. Because I never had the opportunity to be “Daddy’s Little Girl” I knew how to protect myself, by myself and that’s an inner power I would never give up for my father.


The most significant event in my life was never a single moment, but more of a culmination of disappointments and the impact is irreparable. All the things that happened between my father and I have helped shape and mold me into something bigger than myself. It helped me to become strong and a self advocate. And that’s something I would never give up for my father.

There’s something about rising above the depths of our own despair that unleashes our own inner power, our own inner light. Thank you, Dad.