I wake up in the morning and I look at the end of my bed seeing if my cat is there. She rarely is, I know that I wake up and let her out mid-sleep but I never remember. I always look around and have to think about how I fell asleep last night without the minor sense of feeling anything. I go out into the living room that looks like a shop in New Orleans and I pretend to smile at my grandmother who is reading the paper. She mumbles to me something and I disregard everything. My mind is thinking about what to wear and how to wear it and my brain is not functioning. I pour my coffee with too much creamer and go outside with a cigarette in hand and then I reach in my pocket but there is no lighter. I always forget the lighter. I always forget the most tedious things. I walk inside and my grandmother tries her second attempt as she’s looking at me with old eyes and a loving scared soul she says with complete sincerity if I want her to get up and make eggs for breakfast. I hear her, I think about it for what seems like a long hesitation and then I manage to say yes but I’m not even hungry. I’m never hungry anymore. I am always thirsty, and I am always thinking about vodka and a cold beer while the sun is still out. I take a sip of coffee, and have a water bottle waiting to be filled up. As I’m grabbing my lighter I get distracted by my body that tells me to get dressed. I think about every class I have that day and who I will be seeing because they are the only ones who truly ever see me. I think of what gel I want to use in my hair or if I want to change my lip ring to a stud because I never do. I tell myself that I will do it last minute, as if right then isn’t good enough because at that moment I am thinking about her and everyone else and thinking about that evening when I will be back into my room after dealing with nature and the world and when I’m in a fast car I don’t ever feel like I’m really moving. I am going through the motions, the ocd stunts I have to do every morning because my mind tells me too. Don’t ever listen to your mind, they always tell you but for some reason I always do and maybe that’s why I have never been in love. I am always too scared to say hi to that girl that I always see because I’m afraid she doesn’t see me and I am looking right into her eyes as I ask her what she would like to eat and she usually says I’m just looking and as I’m on the opposite side of the counter I feel as though I am miles away from her and I can never manage to say who I am and I am never able to say hi to you. I feel like an angry customer of mine who did not get my best work and they are not satisfied. I always walk away from those situations and so the other day I was at her house and I was so uncomfortable I felt like a closeted lesbian being set up by her parents with a guy from church because they know that you will like him. I thought to myself I wanted to leave but instead for the first time in nineteen years I stayed. I never knew how to do that, and she made me feel like a strong man after he cries. I had just done everything I had never done but I know she has no idea because she does not see me. We sat outside and smoked cigarettes and talked about nothing that matters because I once read that everything besides I love you is small talk. I’m getting home to my grandmother sitting there with a wine glass half full and becoming angry. I walk into my room and I ignored everything she said because it was all about things that I didn't want to hear and in the middle of her sentence I realized I had forgot to ever put my stud in and take my lip ring out.