Looking at my past, I realize that I have been selfish. Many times have I done something- thinking that it was for the good of the whole- and ultimately I only did it for personal glory. However is doing something for yourself all that bad? Is wanting to make yourself better bad?

This past year, I auditioned to be drum major of the band. What I remember the most about this event is the interview component of the audition. I was asked why I wanted to be drum major. I replied, “I want to be able to lead the band in a different way- a way that I cannot do on the field.” The reply seemed reasonable enough at the time.

It came time for the announcement of the drum major for the 2013 season. Everyone who auditioned sat in the band room with Dr. Jones and Mr. Suiter in front of us. You could feel the tension in the room- one of us, possibly two- was going to be the next drum major. At last, Dr. Jones explained that there were going to be two drum majors for the next season. I became anxious. I began to wonder: What if I do make drum major? Will I be strong enough to push the band in the right direction? Will people respect me? I am only a Freshman. Then Dr. Jones said it; he said my name (my name along with Roger McIntosh). You think I would be happy, right? I was happy until the last day of the season.

After a long season of multiple successes (as well as failures) it was time for the grand finale. The time had come for the semi final round of the state championships. We performed our show (with some minor problems), but overall the performance was solid. Next it came time for the results. The four finalists were read in performance order: first, Grant County; second, Madisonville North Hopkins; third, Anderson County; and finally, South Oldham. Our school was not announced.

When we got back to the semi, Dr. Jones revealed our worst fear: the fear of our placement. We were placed ninth by the judges. Many people started crying; but for me, I just stared blankly off into the oblivion. What was going on, I do not know (neither did I care). I just knew that the excruciatingly hard work throughout the season did not pay off the way we would have liked it. Even still, we had pride. We then did our “P.R.I.D.E. check.” So Roger and I got in the middle of the band and emotionally cried:
“Detail attend hut.
How are your feet?
Stomach,
Chest,
Shoulders,
Elbows,
Chin,
Eyes, eyes, eyes?
When we dismiss you, we want to hear energy, enthusiasm, and excitement.
Detail Dismissed.”

The band responded to each of our inquiries, but I did not pay attention. I broke down. I wept. I wondered why? Why did such a great season have to end so sorrowfully? It was then that I had my epiphany. It was then that I finally realized the real reason behind my desire to be drum major. I had not auditioned for drum major wanting to help the band in a different way. I auditioned for personal achievement. I auditioned to show other people that I was superior- even though I was not. I wanted a feeling of accomplishment.

When writing this, I looked back on one of my writings from my Freshman English class. That year, I had also written about marching band semi finals. I wrote this:

“I will never forget what happened on October 27th. I will push so that when it comes time, I will not have to see the faces of next year’s seniors cry like I did this year. I won’t have to experience that emptiness inside me. I will never forget the day we lost, but won. Yes, we did not make finals, but we won in another sense. We won motivation. Next year when we have the motivation to make it into finals and work harder, the other bands won’t have motivation like this. My band will not be underestimated again. We will never forget the day we lost, but won.”

On that day (the day of the 2013 semi finals), I realized that I forgot. I forgot what I was supposed to be doing that whole season. I forgot that I was supposed to push the band into a greater splendor. Notwithstanding, I am not reasoning that had I not become drum major that we would have made finals. I am saying that I lost sight of my own personal goal: to help the common good. I put my own personal achievement over the good of the band- something I never meant to do. Becoming drum major had given me a little motivation to push the band, but ultimately I knew that I would have had even more motivation on the field.

I forgot what it felt like when we did not make finals. I forgot that new motivation that we had won in 2012. I forgot what I wanted to do to help make the band better. I put my own personal achievement above the achievement of the band. I forgot the common good. For what did I forget? A feeling of accomplishment.