“I am not going to come and see you today, I rather spend time with my boyfriend”, I hung up the phone quickly. Holding back my tears, I walked quickly to my room. I sat down and began silently crying. It was one of the worst pains I’ve felt in my life. It felt like I was choking on my tears and I couldn’t breathe. My mom just told me that she did not want to see me. Sitting on the floor in my hospital room, my world just kept spinning and spinning. I did not know what to do with myself.
I was fifteen and just starting into a new school. I felt hopeful about moving to a new town, living in a new house, making new friends, and maybe meeting a new guy. Day by day I looked to making friends, but everyone was already friends with each other. I sped walked home and other days I would start running. They had all grown up with each other and I was the new girl, the outsider. I started feeling alone and thought to myself
“Don’t worry you still have all of your old friends.” I would ride on Bart into the city to see them and it still didn’t satisfy me. I felt alone, empty, and used. I was different than anyone at this new school, so people started to bully me. Girls in my class would throw things at me, push me around, surround me in a circle, say rude things about me, and even the guy that I liked laughed at me.
  I skipped school and stayed home in my closet.
“All I ever wanted was to feel accepted”, I wrote in my journal March 20th, 2014. I lay in my closet cooped up with a million blankets; I was warm but felt so cold and bitter. I would feel my tears dripping down my face, but it felt so dry because there were no more tears to cry.
I then decided there was no other option, suicide was the answer. One day my mom realized I was acting strange and found me over dosed on iron pills. She screamed to me, “Please don’t do this” with tears creeping down her face. From that point on I was transported to several hospitals, flown over in an emergency helicopter and met many nurses and doctors. For a few days I did not know what was happening. I was all drugged up getting the pills out of my stomach. When I came to, I realize I was in a hospital and it was four days later. I lay on the hospital bed, breathing in the anesthetic and feeling the cool air conditioning on my skin, everything felt hopeless. I was then transferred into a psychiatric hospital.
For 2 months I woke up, showered, ate breakfast, group therapy, spoke to my doctor, had lunch, and slept until dinner. That was my routine. Life stopped for me. I was numb and without meaning. I was in an endless cycle of depression. I kept a journal while I was hospitalized; in one of the pages, I wrote
“There is a difference between being sad vs being depressed. Sadness is nothing compared to how depression feels. Depression is all consuming while being sad you can get over. All I want to do is get better and I feel like I can’t.”
By the time I was discharged from the hospital, I was frightened by the world that I would get hurt again. I stayed home and didn’t leave my mom’s side for months. Overtime I got better with speaking to people and became more outgoing. I still have days where I would have my faults, but I would always get back up. I keep these words dear in my heart from my mom. “Stay positive because everything will be okay”.
If I could undo this whole experience I would. My sophomore year of high school is something that I wish I could undo or even start over again. If I could rewind time to never have met certain people, never have become depressed, never to have gone to a mental hospital, to never have gone to that high school, or to get bullied, I would definitely want to undo this experience. But the thing is, with all of these experiences I have wider eyes, a more open mind, I have transformed and become more mature, and have learned from these experiences.
Every day goes by fast and every decision that you make will impact your life in a huge way. If I had never met certain friends I would probably be still looking for approval from my peers or friends, but I’m not anymore because I am content with having a few close friends. If I had never attended that high school I probably wouldn’t have gone to a mental hospital or had tried to take my life, but that was a trial that benefited me by understanding myself more and it has given me the experience to share about what I’ve been through with other people who are or have been through the same thing. With all of my experiences that have happened, I understand how I would want to undo all of the experiences, but I don’t. All of these experiences that have happened to me have become something important in my life which has helped me grow as a person.