Do you know what “nothing” feels like? And if not, have you ever wandered? I wander. I would like to know, because right now I feel like a whole lot of “nothing”. My heart is beating. My blood is flowing. Yet I can’t seem to feel anything. I’m nothing, and when I’m smiling it means nothing. I’m empty, with nothing to hold. And I want to know why. Maybe there has to be people with nothing in this world, so that those that have everything can recognize it. I don’t know. No one put me aware of this concept.
I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.

Right now I’m waiting for mid-night to arrive. No matter how many times you asked me I would never be able to tell you – why. I wish I could. Scratch that I wish I knew.

In world religions class we are learning about Buddhism, and how Buddha believed that as a human we are prone to pain. Or was it hurt. Oh well, but can it be that others attract it more than others. Or is it that we are simply weak?

I like to believe I’m strong. Well... because that is what they tell me. And I’m still here. Aren’t I?

But I don’t want to be.

I can remember when I use to lay in bed and make two lists, one side with the negative effects and the other with the positive. What I find/found funny about those lists is that the negative side always concerned the people about me. How they would feel, never me. And the positive side, would be me free.

Yet I’m still here.

I live for people that most of the time don’t even realize something is wrong. I’ve been keeping a lot to myself. I still talk. But not as much. It isn’t easy saying everything out loud. But I want someone to make me. I need to empty my jar.
Yes I’m nothing. I’m nothing, that as something. I don’t know what it is. And I don’t know where I’m going with this. But somewhere I guess...

I don’t believe in love. No matter what I feel, I don’t believe in it. To me it is bullshit. Wait, lets me more creative. It is cowshit. Feeling anything towards any other human being of any sort is setting yourself up for more pain then you are already destined to have.
Why? Why would someone want to go through that? It is NOT worth it.

I think I’ll just stick to my friends and having “fun”.

I hate a lot of my friends. A lot of the times, but not all of it just a lot. I mean people say I have a lot of friends. When I think about it, I guess I do. But none of them really know me one hundred percent with the exception of maybe 2 or 3. (And that isn’t even counting my supposed best friend – we will get to that in a few.) So I guess the girl, with the image I put up, as a lot of friends. But the girl inside, the real me, what happens to her? Does she simply want attention? Probably. I mean nothing THAT bad as happened to her.
You see I told you I was strong.

The only problem with being strong is that; no matter how strong you are one way or the other you are going to break some day. And it will occur when you least expect it.

I can’t talk to the person who is supposed to be my best friend anymore. Because I feel as if she is just listening to know, not help. She just wants to know. So she can know. But oh well, what can you do?

Lately I’ve been having a lot of bad nightmares. And it doesn’t even have to be scary. Like the other day my cousin was just tickling me and I could no longer breathe. I woke up then went back to sleep and had another dream where I was just standing there and there was blood. Why? I don’t know. But I’m always scared that I’m going to have another nightmare every time I go to sleep.

Like right now. What if I dream something that will really scare me?

If I keep writing now I will have an all nighter... again. And I’ll be honest I have absolutely no idea what the point of this was. Though it felt good to write. I still feel like “nothing”. And I’m still afraid of tomorrow.