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Fabula Imperium (Story of Power)
October 30, 2012
Summary:
Contains a dose of interesting characters, a plethora of scy-fi devices, and a touch of power-hungry psychopaths bent on destroying the human race.
Enjoy.
Andrew W.
Fabula Imperium (Story of Power)
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This book has 37 comments.
Chapter 8: (Warning to other readers: this contains spoilers) First, I didn't know what an SMG was, so I had to look it up... Anyway, when Arcus says, "Yeah, no," I laughed. I was scared when he got shot, especially when he started hallucinating. Did the bullet leave his body? P.S. The part about George Washington was great. When I was doing research for the first chapter of my book, I read that Sir Walter Raleigh would come out of battles with bullet holes all through his breeches but be completely unscathed. He's totally an Imperial :)
Crunchman99 SILVER said...
on Nov. 17 2012 at 6:38 pm
Well, the government doesn't actually know about them yet, much less send them to save the world. Callidus just has funding, that's it.
Chapter 6: I actually had no trouble with you breaking the 4th wall. Another thing I like was the mentioned presence of Imperials in gangs - it seems natural that those with supernatural powers would be just as likely to be involved in street crime as saving the world. I was a little incredulous that the government -who has known about the existance of Imperials for presumably a long time - is sending a group of teenagers who have hardly tested out their powers to save the world. Then again, it really propels the pace and heightens the drama, so....
Crunchman99 SILVER said...
on Nov. 11 2012 at 12:40 pm
Yep. I see the corn palace every day, in fact.
Callidus and his weapons room = Lol Annie's ears regualting sound to always be tolerable to her = awesome detail I'm so jealous of this chapter because there's a part in my story (TeenInk.com/novels/sci_fi_fantasy/book/106014/The-Secretary/7/) where there's major explosions in a weapons training room, but it's not nearly as funny
Chapter 4: this one has a great title - Doctrina! It's very lyrical, which fits the change of pace. My favorite part was Arcus in the dark dreamily watching the sparks floating in the air. At first I was getting strong Percy Jackson vibes, but the powers-by-genetics thing was an entirely new twist that was intriguing. My only question is how the Imperium and Turpis genes have somehow become recessive (maybe they're like the gene for dwarfism: when someone inherits one copy from one parent, physical effects manifest themselves, but when someone inherits two copies from both parents, the embryo dies. Just a thought as to how Imperials could die away). Anyway, the demigods-as-mutants was a TERRIFIC idea P.S. I don't know if this was intentional or not, but: 'Light?' Arcus asked. 'Light,' Leo confirmed. He lightly flung the miniature sun into the air...
Chapter 3: I loved how even with his "test subje-ahem, people" slip, Callidus nevertheless seems really trustworthy to me. My only question is how he obtained that shard of the Mobius cube.... Just noticed you're from Mitchell! Like, THE Mitchell, SD? I was at the Corn Palace this summer!!
Crunchman99 SILVER said...
on Nov. 10 2012 at 8:09 pm
I'll make sure to edit that when I do another chapter post. Thanks for the feedback.
Aston is a consummate villain, so so evil! I love the clashes between him and Arcus. I just noticed that there's a huge explosion and a field of dead bodies, and only two police officers show up. And those two police officers seem totally unfazed and quickly put down their weapons and chat. Even if they are part of a secret group of people who know about the Cube, maybe they could be a bit more shaken. Can't wait for the impending battle between Arcus and his former friends who joined Aston!
Chapter One: At first I was a bit confused with the switch from the 1st-person prologue to 3rd-person, but it's still great. The characters were instantly relatable. My favorite parts were Arcus describing Mila as his "friend-who-happened-to-be-a-girl" (lol), "Would you like your shoes polished, my lady" (another lol), and Annie with her headphones. Another great part was the description of the gravity ("He felt obliged to follow it"). Some things I noticed: you used the phrase "lack of a better term" a lot, and you had a couple of sentences like "There were crowds and crowds of people. It was a pretty popular mall." In which, you don't really need the second sentence. I love this story!!!
Crunchman99 SILVER said...
on Nov. 6 2012 at 3:39 pm
Yeah, Teenink does the text chunk thing. I'm going to have to find a way to fix it, but I don't know if there is a way. I do like the sequences with Leo talking to me, the love/hate relationship is something I'll have to consider. I may have to change it, but humor just comes naturally to me. I will make sure to post an exposition for each of the characters to separate them personality-wise.
Snowflakes SILVER said...
on Nov. 6 2012 at 10:15 am
Wow. I read the whole thing, and I have SO much to say about this book. 1. It was amazing. 2. I loved it. 3. It was AMAZING. I like how the characters all have original names, I fell in love with Arcus, he seems so cool and whatnot. I also liked the storyline, it was really interesting and I wanted to read more D:
HOWEVER, you asked for constructive feedback, and in order to help you, I picked out errors. First, I'm not too sure if I like the moments when the characters talk to you, the author. In some respects it makes me smile because it's funny, but at the same time I hate it because it feels out of place. (But that's your choice obviously, if you like it, then keep it!). I also think that in the group of teenagers there are WAY too many characters, it's quite difficult to keep track of all of them throughout this, but then again, if you can keep all of them seperate personality wise, then I think it will work great. And finally, the structure towards the end became terrible. I'm not sure if this is your fault, or TeenInk, but it was in giant chunks, speech was on the same lines; making it SO hard to read, that it made me get slightly bored towards the end, which is horrible seeing as I loved the storyline!
So there you go, you're an amazing writer, you just need to make some tweaks :)
HOWEVER, you asked for constructive feedback, and in order to help you, I picked out errors. First, I'm not too sure if I like the moments when the characters talk to you, the author. In some respects it makes me smile because it's funny, but at the same time I hate it because it feels out of place. (But that's your choice obviously, if you like it, then keep it!). I also think that in the group of teenagers there are WAY too many characters, it's quite difficult to keep track of all of them throughout this, but then again, if you can keep all of them seperate personality wise, then I think it will work great. And finally, the structure towards the end became terrible. I'm not sure if this is your fault, or TeenInk, but it was in giant chunks, speech was on the same lines; making it SO hard to read, that it made me get slightly bored towards the end, which is horrible seeing as I loved the storyline!
So there you go, you're an amazing writer, you just need to make some tweaks :)
Lady_Teribithea GOLD said...
on Nov. 6 2012 at 9:18 am
Only got through a few pages, but it looks good so far. I'm enjoying reading it. Few to no errors, a good plot so far, etc. Good job!
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