Today’s the day, April 23, 2019. I finally find out if and how much of my life my father is going to miss. Again washed out of my life. I want him but not the “him” he wants to be. I hate the “him” he wants to be, it scares me at night, it haunts my eyelids and now it hurts to close them. It breathes down my neck of the constant reminder of the pain “he” caused. My dad, my only father, does not remember how much pain i really went through with his demon. His demon screamed and yelled, his demon beat and harrassed. His demon tried suicide over and over. I wish he understood the pain that he suffered, i suffered too. The guns that were locked up, just in case for the final day. Dad i was there. The day you ran out and said you wouldn't be back, dad i was there. You were talking to me. The days you just couldn't lose me, dad i was sitting right there. The day you wanted me to die, dad i was on the floor, crying, right there. Why was your demon punishing me? Why did i get so much hate? What did i do? I LOVE YOU. DON'T YOU LOVE ME? You are better now, but it's too late, today is the day, dad. You couldn't do this sooner? Well just think of the life we could of had. But you escalated the dirty rumor.  Remember the day were the cops came and I sat on the wet ground tears on my face? Or is that another memory, you tried to bury out of the way? Remember when i ran out to try and save you from killing yourself? Remember when i had to stay with my neighbors because you didn't know how to keep the hands down? I do, but now it's too late. You didn't win this time dad, now it's your turn to suffer in silence, now it's your turn to let your thoughts move on its own, now it's your turn...

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