Triggered!

It’s a common reaction to something that you don’t like

 a sarcastic use of a word that refers, to any stimulus that evokes a memory.

a joke

I used to find funny

I used to be a lot of things

It never accrued to me that the events in my life have changed me

I was the same sitting in a stage makeup seminar and they were demonstrating a new wax that can stick to joints of the body

I was the same when he asked for a volunteer, and put the wax on her wrist having her twist twirl her hand has the wax stayed put even as its cooled.

I was the same when he mentioned that the wax can be used to make broken noses and gashes in the skin

But when he grabbed her wrist and pulled out the knife seizing the opportunity to demonstrate his deluxe fake blood now with chunks I realized

I was not the same person.

My heart pounded

Flooding my ears deafening my surroundings

While everyone applauded

I fought the overwhelming urge to vomit,

or to breathe

I would’ve given anything to do either one of those things

It felt as if he slit my throat

Spikes of pain shot in chest like glass in my lungs

My friend ask me if I’m okay

And the words died on my lips

Triggered

A word that had lost all creditability

How could I say I was Triggered

Triggered

Like a gun firing synapses in my brain

Obliterating my mental state and plunging me

Like a cold bath

back to that night

Shocking my senses

I’m forced to relive again and again

The night she wouldn’t text back

The night she weighed the value of her life and felt she wasn’t worth it

Where she disappeared for a week and when she came back

Eight long scars scored her arms

And it might be stick stones might break our bones

But the word

Triggered

Will always remind me

That scars are forever.

There is a button in my head

Like a snake in the grass

Lying there ready at a moments noticed to seize me

Constricting my every movement until I am shaking mess

Struggling for even a breath of air

 And it leaves me constantly afraid

I am not who I once was

I am someone with a trigger