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A Suicide Story
Hi, my name is Richard,
I am four years old.
I live here with my Mommy and Daddy
Its very lonely.
Will you be my friend?
Will you play with me?
Or will you point and laugh at me like everyone else.
No, your nice.
Not like my Mommy or Daddy.
See this? Its a gash,
I got it when Daddy hit me.
He hit me with his bottle.
Shh, I hear something,
Oh no its him
His back
Quick hide!
Do you hear that, he called my name.
He sounds angrier than usual,
I better go before he comes up,
Who knows... maybe he will only yell if I hurry.
Do you feel that?
Its very strange.
Do you see that?
Its scary.
I'm scared!
No! Daddy NO!
I promise I’ll be good,
I promise I’ll never speak again,
Please, please, PLEASE!
Its too late,
Its over.
Wait! What is this?
What is this feeling?
Pain?
No it can't be, it is harsh.
Terror?
No, I'm not scared.
Its gentle kind and suiting.
Who are you?
Where am I?
What is this?
Everything is clean, everything is nice, everything is love
This must be heaven
Its just like the pictures in my books.
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This article has 37 comments.
Thanks for the critics.
I love the way you went about this -- vaguely familiar (Google "My name is Sarah, I am but three...") But then again I'm sure everything has been done before. That said, I really like this.
The last line, the way I'm reading it, isn't flowing very well. It dampens the effect of the poem -- after all, it is the final line. I'm curious why it's entitled "A Suicide Story" when it isn't quite implied that he kills himself -- I took it as the father killing him, actually. So that put me off slightly.
I think your beginning stanzas have the most strength -- they have a certain subtlty to them, and reflect a child-like innocence as Richard addresses the reader. This I like a lot.
Over all, I do like this alot. The flow could be improved, and some places could be reworded to maybe be more clear (Richard committing suicide versus being killed, "maybe he will only yell if I hurry" actually got interpretted by me wrong at first XD). But, really, it's very good, and could easily be great.
Thanks, I appreciate the comment.
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